Friday, September 23, 2011

outgrowing myself

this weekend was wonderful.

one of my big sisters got married.

i have three older sisters, and it was a joy to be together with our families!

my aunt flew cross country from CA to be here and we enjoyed that too.  my mom enjoyed her even more than us girls did though.  there is something very special about sisters.  i am spoiled because all of my sisters live relatively close by and we can get together on a whim.  it was a blessing to see my mother have time with her sister too!

when we get together, our husbands brace themselves...we are loud.  we laugh. we are silly and goofy.  we cry.  we have a myriad of inside jokes that make us spray liquid out of our noses, but no one else "gets".  we drink coffee and go on 'sister walks' around the neighborhood.  we swap kid stories, clothes and shoes, and music and books.  we remember.

perhaps because of this, i am thinking today about how i am not the person i used to be.

i remember times past and experiences shared.  some were good.  many were not.  one thing that i know is that i am exceedingly grateful that those are things past.  you see, even the good experiences are tainted with the memory of the selfish, immature, and outspoken person i used to be.

today i am thankful that God grows us up.  we are not left to figure things out on our own.   he doesn't say "grow up" and leave us to wonder how.  how to shed this skin that i'm in?  he makes all things new.  he who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it.  he works all things for the good of those who love him.  yes.

i have been through some heartache, pain, and difficulty.  it has shaved the edges off of me.  i have outgrown myself.  i am 'blissfully ignorant' no more.  i know a little about suffering.  some days i feel as though there is a melancholy undertone that has been left behind from the difficulty.  it feels a tad bit pessimistic. i don't like it.  i am ready to outgrow this self, please.

i have woken up to a new day and faced it with a weary heart though i am unbelievably blessed!  it's not that i'm ungrateful for the day and the gifts it brings, but perhaps i am weary of myself.  it's not the housework, the children, the homeschooling, the bills, or the committments, it's the woman.  i have been aching to be different.  not physically.  just inside different.  you can't join a gym for that, you can't pay money for that.  what do you do to get the inside different?

i am ready to turn over a new leaf...
i sooo enjoy fall and the changing of the seasons.  such bliss in the changing temperatures and falling leaves!  there is a crisp newness in the stripping bare.  growing, blooming things are laid low for their own good and gods glory.  they will return in season.  bigger.  stronger.  with breathtaking beauty!  they will outgrow the space they were in this year.  i will have to divide some of them and transplant them.  i am hoping to outgrow myself again, and have beauty enough to be divided and transplanted.

linking up with Kris

a beautiful woman who makes me think!


katie said...

beautiful thoughts and words.

hannah singer said...

amen. love these thoughts, marie.
you are an inspiration to me. i really like you a lot;)